I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

— Groucho Marx

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

— Groucho Marx

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

— Groucho Marx

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

— Groucho Marx

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

— Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

— Groucho Marx

I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception.

— Groucho Marx

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

— Groucho Marx

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

— Groucho Marx

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

— Groucho Marx