She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

— Groucho Marx

Since my little daughter is only half Jewish would it be alright if she went into the pool only up to her waist?

— Groucho Marx

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

— Groucho Marx

The only real laughter comes from despair.

— Groucho Marx

There is one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says 'yes' you know he is crooked.

— Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

— Groucho Marx

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

— Groucho Marx

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is and west is and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.

— Groucho Marx

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is and west is and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

— Groucho Marx

When I first came to this country I didn't have a nickel in my pocket - now I have a nickel in my pocket.

— Groucho Marx