Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

— Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

— Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

— Groucho Marx

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

— Groucho Marx

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

— Groucho Marx

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

— Groucho Marx

No Grouchy is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

— Groucho Marx

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

— Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

— Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

— Groucho Marx