I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

— Groucho Marx

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

— Groucho Marx

I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you don't see you're interested in, and this is true.

— Groucho Marx

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

— Groucho Marx

It looks as if Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

— Groucho Marx

I've had a wonderful evening. . . But this wasn't it.

— Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

— Groucho Marx

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then, if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

— Groucho Marx

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

— Groucho Marx

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

— Groucho Marx